The Impossibility of Comfort

The Impossibility of Comfort

Usually it’s frowned upon to fall asleep at a Bible Study. Jesus won’t judge you, in fact, Paul had to raise someone from the dead for doing just so…and yet …it’s fair to say, is not recommended in such a setting…because though Jesus is patient and understanding, people tend to find it slightly offensive.

Proof of my bad sleeping habits!

But in the past month, I could probably have passed for a narcoleptic sea creature. If I wasn’t standing up, or engaged in general conversation, chances were I was either asleep or a blubbery manatee (bad simile?). And my close friends understood this, they had seen me asleep in chairs, couches, at tables, on floors… as it was an occurrence that became more regular as my stress levels had skyrocketed. I probably could have started a new trend…who needs planking when you have…. extreme napping?

This stress was due to the fact that in less than a month I would be moving to a different state…quite far from the one I grew up in…about 30 hours “far”. And though logically I knew it would be a great place to move to…the idea of leaving everyone I had grown so close to made me want to heave out all my innards onto the plush carpeted floor. Thankfully, my body took a less offensive route and would put me to sleep at any given moment…

Helping kids have fun…hopefully

The journey to this decision was a long one. Life after college certainly hadn’t gone how I had expected it to. I recognize now, for most people, that life rarely does. Yet, this left me in a bit of a quandary for the next four years, career wise…but what an adventure those four years were. I was able to spend time out of the country, work at a Bible Camp as well as work with at-risk school agers, helping them to experience a safe and fun environment as best I could. I learned a lot about people, about the harsh realities of broken families and how God could use me in simply being available to His whispers in the moments of the day.

But this past year I felt called out of waiting and into a new season of “going”. And so after much wrestling with God (thankfully no hips were popped out of joint, kneecaps on the other hand are a different story), but last spring I decided to take the plunge and apply for Seminary School to get a Masters in Counseling. As I searched for schools and looked at programs, one in particular stood out. A little school called Phoenix Seminary, located in…you guessed it…Phoenix, Arizona.

God provided assurance in so many ways. He spoke into my life through His word, through prayer, through the wisdom of others and His message was that I was not to fear but to go, to go so He could equip me for whatever path He had planned.

Yet, as the time to leave approached, my resolve began to dissolve. My body was rejecting the idea of leaving all I knew, mostly leaving the deep community I had built… What a strange sensation to be able to sleep at the drop of a hat…and forget food, warm salty tears had become my sustenance. I was experiencing the Bible reference first hand…and I was…what you could best define as…an ugly, unlovely mess.

And so there I slept on the armchair in my Bible Study leader’s house as one by one the rest of the Bible Study members filed out to go home. The last one left and I was startled into waking. And there the Leader sat across the room, on the couch…

Quickly apologizing for falling asleep, and in groggy fashion, I hoisted myself up off the chair and went to put my shoes on to leave.

His eyes followed me as I shoved one boot on, then the next, yawning and declaring how I’d better get home…

Some Bible Study Members

He looked at me in curious fashion, having seen the sobbing mess, the 27 year old napping child…the me who was very, very different from the me I normally am...and so posed a quiet question.

“How do you feel about going to Seminary?”

And the question pierced the very darkest part of my heart. “How did I feel about going? Why was I going to Seminary?”

And there it lingered…my faith so small…my fear so large…I had forgotten why I was going…and all I could feel was scared.

And I thought, “If I am supposed to go, why do I feel so nauseated? Why can’t I function like a normal human being every time I think of leaving?”

I wanted to cry right there, but instead the question was waiting to be answered.  An open wound needing to be cauterized.

And I felt God whisper gently inside me,

“I am with you. I will not forsake you.”

Suddenly, the words of the song Called Me Higher were thrust into my mind…”I could be safe, I could be safe here in your arms and never leave home never let these walls down…but you have called me Higher, you have called me Deeper…”

And I understood…God loves us no matter what. He loves us when we linger in the safety and comfort of who we are…I could be comfortable and stay the same and God would still love me.

But I didn’t want that…I wanted to shine God’s glory through my wretched weakness. To have faith like Elijah, Paul and David, who were called to hard things, and trusted with all their strength. But in order to have such faith, I had to try, to fail, to take one step into the unknown, even when everything around me screamed, NO! This isn’t safe! This isn’t comfortable! This isn’t possible for a timid girl like you…

Because, truth is, when we step out beyond ourselves that is where our impossibility meets God’s possibility.

To steal a quote I learned from a dear friend of mine,

“You can choose courage, or you can choose comfort, but you cannot choose both.” –Brene Brown

 How did I feel about going? Terrified…but I would go anyway, and that, that is what courage is.