Ten Hearts: A Flashback to Two Years Ago

Keeping people at arm’s distance means I can strong-arm them away from any kind of internal heart damage. No one wants to end up broken hearted…and the closer you get, the harder it can be to push away.

As you inch closer and closer to others, your strings start to intertwine…and you idiot, it becomes as messy as the time you foolishly put all your headphone cords into the same drawer and you soon have to spend a frustrated hour using alternative expletives as you struggle to unravel the mess.

 You know like “Shoots and Ladders” and “Cripes Magoo” and “What the chocolate Monkeys?” as your face turns red and your fingers work to find where the knot formed. That specific point in time where the mess happened in the first place…once you find that you’re golden, but it’s tough, there are multiple chords, and multiple points of entanglement you have to detangle before getting to the source.

…if I took a little bit of time I could successfully compartmentalize the chords, and that entanglement wouldn’t happen.

It’s an easy lesson to be learned with inanimate objects, but with people? That becomes a bit trickier. People come into our lives, makes messes, bring expectations, baggage and personalities that, in no way, perfectly match our own….and yet….there they are…and there I am with a choice, either push back and stay untangled or lean in and intertwine…

I was speeding…It was a fifty minute drive from Green Bay to outer Neenah, my Nissan chugged forward on the highway. Road rage would set in from time to time…and I will NEVER understand the penchant for drivers to sit in the passing lane, parallel to other cars in the right lane. Do they not notice the fact that there is clearly a line of us just waiting to pass?! I think it is their sick way of making others’ lives wholly miserable.

(This road rage God continues to work out of my heart…)

I was, ironically, speeding to a Bible Study, a new Bible Study, in Neenah, WI. I didn’t know what to expect, I had rather invited myself by way of a friend who attended the study. She shared how amazing it was, how connected she felt, how enriched she was by the truths shared in the Study. And so of course, wanting that same thing, I asked to just “check it out”. How can you refuse such a request? I was the kid inviting themselves over for dinner simply by weaseling my way in through the doorway.

So I went to find a piece of the connection my friend had… and arrived, entering into the soft lighting, the laughter, the smiles…and there I was, a stranger among friends, friends who seemed to have known each other for years, not just months.

They were eating dinner…all crowded around a little table, chattering like well-worn cousins at Thanksgiving, excited to share that bit of space together. As I inched my way up the staircase, throngs of shouts came my way. Another chair was squeezed into place, insisting I join them, grab some food, and be part of that family.

But how could I? They all had their jokes, their stories, their pranks and their hearts that were already so full… I was but an additional chair…

But hearts, especially the ones that overflow, seem to find space for one more. And instead of safely strong-arming these hearts surrounding me…in that moment I saw something special, something unique and I chose to lean in that very night.

That night was the first night of many. I was introduced to Bible Study traditions, procedures and each member. There were ten…ten hearts that sat around the living room, beaming as they shared. Those ten hearts had impact on my own in so many ways.

I learned each heart had it’s own unique strengths, personality and addition to our Study.

First heart- Inviting and Wise

Second heart- Loyal and Affirming

Third heart-Joyful and Easy-going

Fourth heart- Truthful and Challenging

Fifth heart- Inviting and Able

Sixth heart-Energetic and Engaging

Seventh Heart-Spontaneous and Enterprising

Eighth Heart-Bold and Loving

Ninth Heart-Steadfast and Attentive

Tenth Heart- Encouraging and Genuine

Really, there’s so much more to each heart … God fashions us fearfully and wonderfully…we are intricate beings and it would be folly to simplify who we are with a couple of descriptive words, yet I wanted to share a snapshot of those people who slowly intertwined into my life.

And so, I began a journey with this new family of mine. I decided to let my heart open, to let both joy and pain inside.

 We shared meals, laughs, outings, adventures together. We prayed for each other. We challenged each other, spiritually and in some cases physically (some members were particularly competitive). In some cases I fought with some and grew closer for it. I chose not to give up when things got hard, but press further into these brothers and sisters God chose to put in my path that night.

I took time, energy, and a lot of gas money in order to let my string get inexorably wrapped tightly to those friends who would allow it.

And I realize in looking back, as I move…life continues forward. I watched a movie recently where the main character quoted “In order to say yes to the future, it meant saying goodbye to my father.”

It hits hard…in order for me to say yes to what God had next for me it meant saying goodbye to these hearts I came to view as family.

But here was God’s truth in it all, we weren’t meant to be alone. And I will carry the lessons learned from these hearts along with me into my new journey, where I will meet new people, get to know new sisters and brothers in Christ. I will be newly challenged and newly encouraged.

One of my last days in Wisconsin…I was given a precious gift. Together these friends and their spouses contributed to a build-a-bear (well bunny). Fashioned in the love that comes from adults willing to go into an overbearing children’s store; they made me my own bunny to take with me on my journey.

But this bunny was quite special…This bunny was stuffed with ten hearts.

 And so those ten precious hearts were packed into my new bunny. Each one scripted with the names of those bible study members who so graciously allowed me to be a part of their lives. I carry them with me to Phoenix, and this bunny represents the both the best and the mess of my friends back in Wisconsin…

And so, I named this blog sight after those hearts that have touched mine, that have spoken God’s truth into my life. Those truths have given me confidence to see who I am in Christ. That I am a messy, messed-up person…but aren’t we all? And when we choose to let people into that mess, we are able to see more and more of God’s heart, His character, the parts of Himself that He instills into each one of His children.

We, each of us, carry God’s spirit inside of us, and we must work together as He individually gifts us and meant us to be one body in Him. And I absolutely love the idea of being united in Christ. We are His family, His sons and daughters

So it isn’t my own heart anymore….

  

And so, by leaning into people, we are trusting that God is intricately placing each knot in position so that, in the end, we become a brilliant tapestry of His glory.

The Seed that Sprouts

There is safety in numbers, when you are walking at night, when you are feeling sleepy driving, when you are trying to avoid creepers at the mall, and especially when you are entering into a church. Because, unless it is a fairly large facility, you will be noticed…and greeted…and approached. Because, if the church is doing it right, they will do everything in their power to make you feel loved, appreciated and noticed.

But for a girl starting over in a new city, new state…there are conflicting emotions that rush at you as you slowly pull your car into the nearest parking spot…the yearning to be known, to be accepted…and the very, very strong feeling of wanting to slip into a corner spot in the back of a big church, go through the motions and slip away without anyone ever knowing your existence. Then, in the safety of your own home, you can feel out if the church is the right fit for you…and need never make awkward small talk. 

I set my gear to park, checked and double checked I had my keys, and locked my doors…(These are the necessary steps you take in a new state to make sure you aren’t locked out of your vehicle.)

Church on Mill

Taking a deep breath, I walked up to the main entrance of the church called The Church on Mill…why you ask? My best guess…it is located on a street called Mill. And by goodness, for some reason I could still never remember what street it was on. Thank you, thank you, my dear gps.

And so it began…Church…not the service…but the people…the church…It began the moment I walked in…there I was warmly greeted by a man by the door, handing out bulletins. He made sure to address me directly, took notice of the girl entering in…and I took that bulletin he handed me and made my way into the sanctuary where I was warmly greeted by smiles and nods.

A rush of elation hit as I felt I timed it out perfectly, the music began to play, and I needn’t have to try to make small talk but simply find a seat and sing.

I looked around for an unobtrusive spot and found one near the middle of the aisle, a few rows from the front. And the music rang out…people’s voices flowed together, deep tones, high-pitched sopranos, illustrious old men who bellowed out, and the off-key melody of those who just don’t care what they sound like, because they know who they are singing to. As we all didn’t care. Because, in worship, it is never about the voice…and here it was so evident…Church was happening.  The body was coming together, to praise and glorify God. These people, imperfect perhaps in voice understood what their purpose in worship was…the simple yet profound mystery of music as a way to express to God who He is and why He is so worthy of praise. And in this church on Mill…those voices, great and mellow, flowed together in unison, and the passion for God filled my spirit.

It didn’t matter now where I was, or who I wasn’t with…all that mattered was that here; I could unabashedly worship the God who created me. My voice joined in the throng and my anxiety melted away in the presence of people who were all hurting, lost sinners and yet exactly there in those broken hearts, God entered in, and connected his children together in joyful, poignant worship.

As we sang, a girl came in, and decided to sit next to me. And within that decision, her seemingly small choice to sit next to and acknowledge the new girl, allowed me to see God’s great provision…to see His minute detailing of a grand master weaver!

You see before leaving Wisconsin, my friends had been assuring me that God was providing for me even before I left. "Sondra!" they would say, "Even now, God is preparing for you so many things in Arizona!" They would be excited for me, and tell me He was doing work already, even before I stepped foot into my new state…and yet…and yet...

 I would love to say my faith is big…but the more I face even small adversities, the more I see that my faith is not so big at all…

It’s a tiny faith. It's a mustard seed faith.

Before moving, all I could see were blank spaces in this new life needing to be filled…"Where would I live?" "What would I do?" "Who could accept me into their community?" 

And in all these unanswered questions, these blank spaces, I couldn't how they could possibly be filled. How could all these questions be answered…and lovingly answered?

 No, my faith was a tiny, tiny seed, nothing to brag about. 

But herein was this truth, this lesson to be grasped…as God tells me: If you have faith as small as a mustard seed you can say to this mountain “Move from here to there,” and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

And so my little mustard seed faith met what seemed like a mountain that Sunday, and God moved the mountain…and my little seed started to sprout into the ground and took root and I could look at it and stare into the blank space and see a bright piercing light…and say “My faith may be small…but my God is BIG.”

….What was the mountain that was moved? …you’ll just have to wait and see what God provided…but for me, I’m smiling as my seed’s shell continues to break ground and spread its roots in the deepest parts of my soul…and I sit here and smile in joy at the infestation of this growing faith…roots reaching, stretching, diving deep into the fertile soil of God's future plans.